I've been dawdling all night doing a whole lot of nothing when all I want to do is write. All I want to do these days is write, but it's the one thing I won't let myself do because I don't know why. Because then I might start thinking about how many of the last seven days i cried. Because then I might start writing about Gina, something I have avoided fairly well at this point? I'm all screwed up and nothing is the way it's supposed to be. I'm supposed to be in drama school right now. I was supposed to be there last year. My BA was supposed to be good. I was supposed to get a job. I was supposed to spend this year dancing and doing capoiera. When all i keep thinking about these last few days, besides the obvious dumb sad things, is that I think I really should audition for Julliard this year, because this year things can't get any worse. Because I actually think I get my monologue and I'm terrified of going there in front of an audience, but I've done it more than three times now, and if I work hard and then give up will probably turn out right. But I don't have the money because I fucked everything up. And i miss the dorm. I miss having lots of friends, and I feel bad for overwhelming the few I do have right now. I've never felt defeated in my life, and I'm so angry that the one grown-up I used to be able to count on to help me through the shittiest things isn't here for me. Why now? Why not after I got my life in order? She didn't get to see Leah, she didn't get to see whatever I'm going to end up being. But she really thought I should do this, and she sat and let me figure it out for myself because she knows how stubborn and annoying the Rumschlags get when you try and tell them what to do. But I know she had faith in me. Everyone has faith in me. Everyone?!?!!? Well right now I don't have faith in me and i can't do anything with that sort of stupid ass attitude. I miss my friends, and my family. I miss acting. Real acting. Not bullshit improv crap.
But today I fixed my damn window. I'm not freezing and I did that. So go me. I feel like an ungrateful, spoiled brat right now. I never let myself act like this and I can't even begin to pinpoint what's gotten into me. It just feels like the floor fell out from beneath me and I'm lost in a nightmare wonderland and I don't know what direction will lead me out of it. So, instead I stand still hoping that I will wake up and find this is all a dream. I don't think I'll be as lucky as Alice.