Blah. It's almost 3 in the morning and I'm still awake. All I've been doing for the past few days is helping elise take care of leah, eating, and not sleeping. I don't know what's wrong with me. For starters I have way more energy than I'm expending each day. Because I just can't seem to start moving. it's dumb that what I write in here is never even close to a representation of the way thoughts have actually been going through my head. As soon as I start to write, I start typing all the things I think I need to hear to pick myself back up. I was about to write some action oriented pep talk for the billionth time that I know, and the world knows, is not actually going to help me get moving. Blah!?!>?
Things suck. I'll be the first to admit it. Things really suck. And I feel stuck in a pile of jello, bouncing around but never actually moving anywhere. I just sorta jiggle back and forth. I am cute and very enticing, but for the most part immobile.
All I've really been thinking about lately is family. Tangent: It's funny cuz I've seen how easy it is for a guy to take me for granted, but i see that it's even easier for family to take each other for granted. I've been home for an entire week and I've seen my dad once. Tonight he made us dinner, sat with us in front of the tv and ate it, and then went to sleep. I spent a day or so with Jackie's family and I watch them, and the difference is subtle and yet profound. They talk to each other! I've spent the week talking to Elise, spending time with Leah, but I've not said more than 3 words to my father. My dad and I have talked in the past, but it's always random (and I'm not home enough for us to randomly start talking anymore.).
Why am I sad? Because I'm going through something really scary and chaotic right now and I don't feel like I have any support that I can count on. I have great friends, but when shit hits the fan they might be busy, or I won't want to bother them cuz they have their own lives, or they are dealing with the exact same shit and can't really do that much to help. oaiwerjdcIOAZU blah nothing is coming out right. I just want to know that I have someone there for me no matter what, and I want to know that they will do whatever is in their power to help me get through this.
My dad gave me that money and he didn't even talk to me about it. He didn't say "hang in there kid." Or, "I have faith in you", "you can do anything", and "I'm so very proud of you". "Don't be scared, we're gonna get through this." He didn't offer me any advice, he didn't remind me that he loves me no matter where life takes me.
Because I'm so afraid! What if I can't make rent in Feb? Worse case scenario? I have to move back home, and as much as I love my family that would kill me. Because it would take me years to move back and could quite possibly kill any hope of my acting career. And the thought of not acting... I can barely breathe just typing it. It's hard enough not being in a show right now as I sort out my personal life and shit, but to have to move down here and take years off? It would kill something inside of me. The only thing I want to do is perform. That's it. I've been distracted by so much shit for a long time, but all I want to do is perform every day for the rest of my life.
I think that's been the lesson life has been trying to teach me for the past few years: "Don't take anything for granted!" Life's too short and anything can happen. And i'm so very sick of people taking me for granted: guys, my father, my mother, my friends... It's probably the most hurtful thing in the universe, when someone forgets that you're there and takes you for granted. And I do it just as much as the next person!! I've been taking so much for granted, even the one thing I love more than breathing for granted--acting. I didn't think that was possible, but it seems it is, and it took me loosing a lot to figure that out. Well it ends today.