My evening written journal

June 18, 2008

"I bought this notebook in walgreens today. This way I can write on the train if I want to. Today I was thinking about priorities. All this dumb boy drama that I made up in my head... I knew when I went through my first real big break-up that my path had somehow changed. Since that first relationship, I have spent way too much time re-living it/dealing with the fact that I'm not again in another, similar relationship. The obvious result: I have not been as focused on my acting. This is a true statement. But the alternative does not seem any better, i.e. my high school life. I don't want to wake up at 3am and sacrifice my entire life in the pursuit of some deranged goal I don't even want anymore because it's killing me spiritually. I was consumed. But I did do great things as a result.

But why can't I do both right now? Is that asking too much from the universe? (Tangent) I'm currently in the process of re-watching Grey's Anatomy. Trashy and depressing I know, but when I get into a funk I tend to drown myself in similar forms of media. Anyways, when you look at the older doctors on this show, most of their drama stems from the fact that they put the entirety of their personal lives on hold to pursue their careers, and when they are finally successful, when they're older it's almost too late for them to do any of the things they had planned for their personal lives (like have a family, etc.)

I don't want that to be me. And as an actress, do I not have an obligation to live a full and active personal life? I'm a better actor because I've been in failed relationships, because I made time for my friends, because I interacted with people and messed up a lot. The only things that I can draw upon that are distinct and uniquely mine are my own personal life experiences and how they affected and changed the person that I am. Who wants to watch an artist who hasn't lived? And when I say lived I mean lived deeply? And what better time to live? There's something special and intense about being young and I don't want to miss it because I'm letting myself become consumed by my job, my acting, etc. I have to make time for friends and relationships.

Obviously, there seems to be a need for me to make a dedicated effort to focus on my career and my personal life, but I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to go about it. I'm a gung-ho, all the way sort of person. How do I do a little bit of both?? The only way I can imagine myself going about this would be by putting ALL of my effort into both and possibly killing myself in the process. I guess I'll just have to keep trying and keep falling down a lot."

I get really serious when i write on paper... :P